


I've Been Loving You Too Long (To Stop Now)

by african_gyal



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Fix-It, M/M, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:00:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23771215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/african_gyal/pseuds/african_gyal
Summary: Endgame Fix it Fic a year later.Steve is gone. But doesn't stay gone. (Steve's POV)
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 7
Kudos: 94





	I've Been Loving You Too Long (To Stop Now)

**Author's Note:**

> Really just an impulsive fic. Started out writing one thing, but it took a life of its own and became a fix it fic.

Our favorite boys get married in 2025. 

After they're both finally done running away from each other.

After the world has gotten back to its feet though not quite the same gait as before. [There'll always be a bit of a limp; a memory of all that it has survived and all it has lost.]

After one James Buchanan Barnes has finally decided that maybe he is worthy of love. Despite everything. Maybe because of everything. Maybe there's a reason he fought so hard to stay alive even when he was the Winter Soldier. 

After he finally lost everything and gained himself. [That's the best way he could word it, even if people didn't quite understand what it meant. He did. And that's what mattered.]

_ "I wouldn't change anything but the blood that had to be shed." He'd whispered to a sleeping form on the couch one night.  _

_ "If it meant that I get to be here...with you…" _

_ *** _

After one Steve Grant Rogers went back in time to quench that burning curiosity of what if. He was definitely a human, didn't matter that there was some superhuman serum coursing through his veins.

What if… 

_ A week, next Saturday, at the Stork Club. _

_ Eight o’clock on the dot. Don’t you dare be late.  _

_ We’ll have the band play something slow, I’d hate to step on your-- _

He was late. 

But that's only because he was standing outside, staring at her in all her beauty, wondering what the hell he was doing.

But he was Steve Grant Rogers. And he needed to ease the grief, if even for a little while. 

It was strangely empty as he stepped inside but he was actually glad that it was. He thought of something witty to say as he approached her but all he could do was sigh,

"Peggy."

He could see her stiffen before she turned slowly to look at him. She looked stricken for a brief moment before she narrowed her eyes and looked at him carefully.

"You're not my Steve."

He smiled at that. "No, I'm not."

She harrumphed before downing her drink. Probably whiskey. Definitely whiskey.

"I'm sorry I'm late." Steve offered.

She stood up and walked closer to him. He couldn't read anything from her. Then she smiled. 

"Walk me home?"

Steve offered his arm out and she tucked her hand in.

They walked silently for a couple of blocks. Steve thought of what to tell her. What not to tell her.

"When?" She asked.

Steve thought of a way to answer her without being specific.

"Too long." She answered herself when he took too long to answer.

Steve sighed. He didn't know what to say to that.

They walked in silence the rest of the way. 

She invited him in when they got to her place. She slipped off her heels at the door, losing a few inches of height. Steve took off his boots next to hers.

Peggy walked straight to the kitchen, coming back with two glasses half full of whiskey a while later.

"You're taking this better than I thought you would." He said accepting a glass and sitting next to her when she did.

Peggy snorted at that. "Darling, I watched you transform into this muscle man with my own eyes. It takes a lot to phase me. I think Stark is behind all this somehow."

Steve laughed."You're not wrong."

Peggy turned to look at him and Steve let her.

"You look… tired." She took a sip of her drink. "More tired."

He gave a her a small smile. "It comes with the job, I guess."

She sighed, putting the glass down. "Then quit."

"I can't just quit. The world needs--"

"The world survived before Captain America. It can damn well survive after you too, Steve." 

He looked down at his glass before downing it at once.

"That do anything yet?" She asked him.

"Not even a bit."

He was immediately taken back to the last time he was trying to get drunk. The emotions of that moment flood him all of a sudden.

_ If it meant that I get to be here...with you… _

"Bucky is alive, Peg."

He didn't know why he'd said that. He wasn't supposed to change anything. 

"What?"

Steve sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes. Shit. 

_ I wouldn't change anything but the blood that had to be shed. _

"He survives the fall." He croaked out finally, his voice cracking as the old familiar guilt clutches his heart like a vice.

"Steve." He feels a hand on his shoulder. He leans to it and suddenly he's being hugged by Peggy. He hugs back as tight as he can without crushing her. She's no longer his Peggy but she is a Peggy and he missed her so much.

"I can't change anything...it'll mess up with the timeline."

"But I can, right?" She says suddenly pulling away and looking at him, determined. "And I can get you too right?"

Steve shook his head. "You can, but it wouldn't change anything when I am."

Peggy's head fell on his shoulder and Steve heard her sniff.

"Aw Peggy."

She pulled away laughing, wiping her eyes. "I'm okay. I'm just so fucking frustrated that I can't do a damn thing."

He pulled her to him and held her for a while. "Me too. Me too."

"Is he there with you in your now?"

"Yes."

"Have you told him?"

Steve paused. His heart beat faster in his chest. "Told him what?"

She pulled away and raised her eyebrow at him.

He stared back, stubbornly committed to acting like he didn't know what she was talking about.

Sighing, she rolled her eyes and said, "That you love him, you stubborn idiot."

Steve looked away, telling her everything she needed to know.

"Bloody fucking idiot." She said. "Well? What are you waiting for? To lose him again?"

Steve stiffened as her words hit true. He thought of Bucky running away from him as he chased him and he thought of Bucky going back to cryo willingly and he thought of Bucky turning to dust right before his very eyes. 

He just kept losing Bucky and he wasn't sure if he could bear losing him again after everything. The world kept throwing barriers between them and Steve was beginning to think that maybe the world had some opinions about him and Bucky being together.

He said as much to Peggy.

She kept quiet for a while, finding her words.

"You crashed the plane on purpose I think."

He closed his eyes and didn't answer. Let her draw whatever she wanted from that.

For him, he just couldn't fathom how to go back to a world without Bucky around. Even if he'd seen a life with Peggy, it had all crumbled down when that railing snapped and his heart fell into the ravine.

"And I think that if you're willing to die, quite literally for him, you maybe should try living for him. Perhaps with him too. Even if the world is saying something else. You're a stubborn little shit Steve. But you're also brave. I think you should be brave when it really matters."

Steve hid his face in his hands, pressing the heels of his hands to his eyes to curb the swell of emotion, forcing himself to ponder over her words objectively.

She stood up and took the glasses to the kitchen as he sat there thinking. Thinking of Bucky and the words he'd whispered into the dark night.

_ If it meant that I get to be here...with you… _

He'd said this before cryo. Before he'd willingly asked to be frozen. Away from Steve. Steve had carried anger and bitterness within him, wondering why Bucky was running away again. After Steve had finally found him. Rationally, what Bucky wanted to do made sense. But emotionally, Steve had been gutted.

**_I love you, for sentimental reasons…_ **

Steve looked up as the record player continued playing. Peggy turned and looked at Steve, a smile on her face.

"I thought I was promised a dance, soldier." She said as she extended her hand towards him. Her eyes were a little red. Probably from the alcohol. Maybe. They were a little wet around the edges.

Steve huffed, partly a laugh. He stood up and went to her.

**_Please give your loving heart to me…_ **

"I put on a slow song for you, just like you asked."

Steve smiled as she spinned him before slipping her arm around his waist and holding one of his hands.

"I guess you're leading." 

"Of course I am. You can't dance. I can. Simple."

He laughed and they continued dancing. One thing the future sorely missed on was the intimacy of just dancing. No rush. 

Seems like he had missed it too.

"How did you know?"

"About you and him? Last week about two days after you died."

Steve winced a little.

"I'd had some suspicions for a while. He'd look at you like you were his whole world. And maybe you would too but I'd maybe tried to deny that."

She kept quiet for a while as the musicians spoke with the time. She arranged them so that her head was resting on his chest and they were more of hugging and swaying than dancing.

**_You know darling, I need you, and you alone were meant to be…_ **

"But then you took the plane down with you inside. When you could have gotten out. Took me a couple of days, after the fog of grief lifted to finally realize you didn't want to. I remembered the grief stricken look you had after he fell. You looked like you had just lost everything."

The music had stopped but they were still swaying. 

"Then I remembered the way you were before we went to Azzano. You were going to run there if you had to but you were going. And I thought it was just pure bravery but it was just love."

She pulled away and then took his face in her hands.

"I just don't see why you should give up if even death couldn't keep you apart."

Steve closed his eyes as he let her words sink in before he opened his eyes and looked at her. 

"I'm sorry. If.. I would have.." He knew she would have a great life. But he can't help but feel a little regret.

"Steve. No. Don't." She says holding his chin firmly in her hand. "We would have been great together. But for a year or two maybe. But I don't think you'd crash a plane for me."

Steve sighs, not wanting to confirm it but knowing deep down that it was true.

He loved her. So much. But Bucky… Bucky was woven deeply into Steve's own soul. Steve would fight God and the Devil for Bucky.

"Let's go lie down. And in the morning you go back to when you came from."

Steve let himself be led to her room, where they got under the covers fully clothed and held on to each other.

"I'll be okay, Steve." She whispered. "Just promise me that you'll try and have a life. With or without Bucky. You deserve some happiness."

He kissed her forehead before laying his head on hers. "You too, Margaret."

She kicked his shin and she winced, more from habit than feeling anything. "Idiot."

***

It was 2024 when Steve travelled back that morning.

Somehow, those few hours in 1945 had translated into a year.

The world had somehow moved on without him and Tony Stark and Nat and it was still standing. Seemed like Peggy was making a point somehow. Sam Wilson was the new Captain America he found, as he stared at the picture of his friend on the first page talking about something in a version of the suit, modified to incorporate his wings. 

Steve felt a burst of pride, tainted with a bit of loss and fear of what that meant for him and his identity.

He found himself walking aimlessly after he saw the newspaper that declared it had been approximately 13 months since he'd left.

It wasn't so aimlessly, he figured, as he realized he stood across the street from a familiar house.

He crossed the road after a little deliberation and knocked on the door, not sure how it would be received if he just walked in like he was used to.

Sam Wilson stared at him with a spoon halfway to his mouth, milk dripping into the bowl of Cap'n Crunch.

"Huh."

Steve gave him a weak smile. "Hey."

Sam snorted as he dropped the spoon in his bowl. "'Hey' he says after being gone for one whole fucking year. 'Hey.'" 

He walked back into the house but didn't close the door. Steve assumed that was a welcome as any other and followed.

Inside, boxes were scattered around, the house empty but for a single couch and a TV.

"You're moving?"

"Came at just the right time, didn't you? Moving tomorrow." Sam replied dryly, staring at him as he continued with his breakfast.

Steve cleared his throat. "Captain America, huh?"

Sam paused. He raised an eyebrow in question.

"No. No it's fine. It's good actually. I was, uh, thinking of stepping down."

Sam snorted and continued eating his breakfast, still looking at Steve. 

Steve felt nervous and guilty and about two feet tall. He knew Sam was keeping quiet as a tactic so that he could talk and it was working. Learnt that from Natasha. 

Steve swallowed the lump that formed in his throat at the thought of his friend and focused on the one in front of him.

The one he was going to abandon.

Because that's what he was doing, he acknowledged. He'd been running away and he was leaving behind his friends and family.

"I was only gone a night. I swear." He said instead.

Sam finished his cereal and put the bowl down slowly.

"When you were returning the stones, it kind of felt like goodbye. But I waved it off, you know? But when Banner tried bringing you back, Barnes seemed… resigned. Like he knew you were gone. You were going to stay there, if you'd found something to make you stay."

Steve felt his heart break at the mention of Bucky. 

He sighed. Not knowing how to answer that. 

He'd needed a break. He'd needed to know how it would have played out. He'd needed a time when Thanos wasn't something he knew or thought about. He'd needed a time when the worst thing was actually world war two and not half of the universe gone.

He'd needed to not break down after everything. 

He'd needed to remember why he needed to be here now.

Like needing the bad to remind you not to take for granted the good. The clouds to remind you not to take for granted the beauty of the blue skies.

A life without Bucky to remember not to take for granted…

Steve had been a little stupid. He'd lost Bucky so many times and he'd gone and done it on purpose this time. Trying to be in control with losing him now and not leaving it in the hands of fate. 

But this one, this one had been his own doing.

Guess he'd had to walk away to realize the value of staying.

"I needed some time. I know I didn't go about it too well...but I needed to make peace with some things. And I needed not to see everything for a while."

Sam shrugged. 

"And now? Are you okay? Has something settled inside you?"

Steve thought of Peggy and their goodbye. 

"I guess we'll see." He said with a smile.

Sam nodded. "So, what next for Steve Rogers?" 

Steve laughed. "I'm not sure. But I know I'm going to work a lot on getting my best friend to forgive me."

Sam smiled a little, like it was forced out of him, before raising an eyebrow. "I thought that title was reserved for Barnes."

Steve shook his head, a sad smile on his face. "He was never just my best friend."

Sam nodded, knowingly.

Steve hesitated before asking about him. It had been a year. A lot could happen in a year. [Steve was fucking tired of losing so much time. He hoped it would be the last time]

Sam shook his head and laughed. "He's fine. We haven't really talked about you so much though so I'm not sure how mad he is at you."

"How mad are you at me?" Steve asked. 

"A lot. Oh, you'll be kissing ass for the next 70 something years I promise you!" He joked but Steve knew there was some seriousness to it. He'd hurt them. All of them. He'd make amends. And try and finally start living in the future. Carving out a space for himself. 

_ With or without Bucky… _

Was it possible? Steve didn't want to think about that. Was it necessary? Yes. Yes it was. It was probably time he started thinking about himself.

"You know where I can find him?" He asked as he was leaving.

Sam held out a paper with an address on it. When Steve reached to take it, Sam pulled it back and glared at Steve.

"Don't hurt him."

Steve looked at him confused. "I wouldn't--"

"Yes you would. Don't. I'm serious. He's doing good now. He's found his space. Don't ruin that."

Steve studied some for a while but then he nodded and took the address.

"Thanks for looking out for him."

Sam snorted. "I expect you to come visit me a lot. And grovel. A lot. I swear to God, Rogers."

Steve pulled him into a hug. Sam hugged him back tightly. Steve felt his eyes prickle with tears before Sam let go.

"Good to have you back, Steve." His voice cracked a little as his eyes shone with unshed tears.

"Good to be back, Sam."

***

Steve sat outside Bucky's brownstone for what felt like hours. It might have been minutes. He didn't know.

He felt nervous. 

God, what if it was too late? What if Bucky hated him? What if he'd moved on?

Steve snorted at that on. Moved on from what? There had been nothing to move on from?

_ Hadn't there? _

Steve thought of all the ways they'd tried expressing their love without using words. He'd known Bucky loved him. They'd never really said it out right but he'd known. But that had been years ago. And when Bucky came back, they'd hardly had any time to interact.

What if it got lost through the years, with the ice and the Winter Soldier and the goddamn end of the world?

He looked up as he heard footsteps slow down near him.

Bucky looked at Steve in shock, his mouth just the slightest bit open.

Steve stood up slowly, brushing the back of his pants as he stared back. He looked like he was from grocery shopping judging by the bags in his hands. He looked soft in his sweat pants and long sleeved shirt, his hair tied back with a few strands loose and curling under his chin.

Bucky.

His heart clenched painfully as he took the man in. He wasn't the same Bucky of the past but he was Bucky anyway. A new Bucky.

He wasn't the same Steve anyway either.

Maybe they could go from there and see what happened.

"You're back." Bucky said, but it sounded like a question.

"Yeah, Buck."

Bucky swallowed visibly. "For how long?"

Steve took a step closer, feeling like he was too far from Bucky. "For good."

Bucky continued looking at Steve, as if he was trying to look for the lie in that.

"Why?"

Steve furrowed his brow in confusion, not understanding the question.

"Why are you back?"

It didn't come out accusing but Steve felt the accusation anyway.

"Didn't really have what I wanted there." He cleared his throat and leapt. "Who I wanted, rather."

Bucky huffed before walking past Steve and to his door. Like with Sam, the door was left open so Steve followed in, closing the door behind him.

He found Bucky in the kitchen, packing away the grocery.

"Buck?"

Bucky shook his head before gripping the counter, taking a deep breath. The gold in the prothestic arm glimmered under the florescent light.

"I guess I deserved it. You leaving. I left so many times, it was only fair, right?"

Steve stepped closer to the counter separating them.

"It wasn't about you." Steve paused and corrected when Bucky rolled his eyes. "It wasn't  _ only  _ about you. I needed some time…"

"You said goodbye, Steve. You couldn't even look me in the eye for two fucking seconds. Felt like you couldn't even wait to get out of there--"

"Bucky." Steve pleaded.

"And the worst thing is I knew what you were going to do and I let you go. Because I was stupid enough to think that I deserved it. I deserved it. I'd run away from you so many times, I guess you got tired of waiting." Bucky said quietly but his voice hoarse like he was choking back tears.

"That's not true." Steve said after a while. 

Bucky sighed and looked at Steve. "I love you. I'm in love with you. I was too much of a coward to tell you that more than 80 years ago and I was too broken to deserve you when you found me.

Steve made a sound that probably sounded like a whimper but he couldn't be sure.

"And I can live without you, have been doing it, so I know I can." Bucky laughed humorlessly, tears in his eyes. "But it'd really, really suck if I'd have to."

Steve rushed to his side and hugged Bucky really tightly because he could, morbidly wondering if he hugged tight enough he and Bucky would merge into one being.

"I'm so sorry I left. I'm so sorry I left."

Bucky pulled away, and looked at Steve, searching. "Why did you come back Steve? 

Steve sighed and leaned on the counter. "I thought I could pretend, and forget everything else and just have a life that wasn't so out of control. Everything's just been unraveling since the moment I woke up from the ice-- no. Since you fell.

"Thanos had been the last straw. Felt like I'd just snapped. I couldn't take it anymore. So I left. But it's only been a day for me, Buck. I left for a day. I couldn't stay. That wasn't my world anymore. I wouldn't be the same Steve either. I've seen too much. Changed too much. I wouldn't be able to live there. So I came back. Realized all that I was leaving behind. Everyone I was leaving behind."

He took Bucky's left hand in his, looking into his winter blue eyes, wondering if this was possible, finally, after all these years. "I admit, I was angry. When you kept leaving. I understood it logically. But my heart couldn't understand why. I realized yesterday… that I've really been mad at myself for letting you fall and not coming after you. I don't think I've ever been able to let that go."

Bucky looked at their hands for a while, before he squeezed it. "You can't change the past, Steve. Even if you went back and saved me, you can't erase everything that's happened after that. It happened. Hydra happened. And now we're here. You can feel guilty and be mad about a lot of things that have happened but that's still not going to change anything. You think maybe it's time you start looking forward instead of looking at the past?"

Steve swallowed the thick lump stuck in his throat. 

Clearing his throat, he said, "You know I love you, right?"

Bucky laughed, still not looking at Steve. "Yeah, I do."

Steve reached forward and lifted Bucky's chin to make him look at him. Steve tried for a smile although he could feel his lips trembling the slightest, tears spilling onto his cheeks. 

Then he followed an implusive thought and dropped to his knee, still holding Bucky's hand. "James Buchanan Barnes…"

Bucky's mouth fell open in shock, before he tried to grab his hand out of Steve's half heatedly. "Steve you fucker. No."

Steve held on tight. "Why not? We've wasted enough time already. And it's perfectly legal now?"

"Jesus Christ. I mean, ask me out first? I don't know." Bucky said laughing but tears fell from his eyes and Steve was 99% sure they were happy tears.

Steve sighed, exasperated."James Buchanan Bucky Barnes I have loved you what feels like all my life and I've been stupid about it for too long but I think maybe it's simple this time. Will you marry me?"

Bucky fell to his knees, mostly on falling half on Steve, taking his face in his hands. "I can't believe you just proposed when you disappeared for a whole year!" But he didn't look too mad about it so Steve just shrugged.

"I think we've wasted enough time."

"What if we hate each other? What if we have nothing in common anymore?"

Steve hummed as he moved an inch closer, looking at Bucky's lips briefly before meeting his eyes. "All valid questions. But what if the opposite is true?"

Bucky smiled. "Compromise. Move in with me. Let's… see if our new parts fit. No rush. And," he said putting a finger on Steve's mouth before he could say anything. "if they do, then...sure."

Steve moved his face back so he could reply. "That sounds like a yes to me."

Bucky rolled his eyes before closing the gap between them. The kiss was soft and quick and when he pulled back, he looked at Steve, a bit of uncertainty in his eyes.

Steve shook his head before he kissed Bucky, much longer and more passionate this time.

When they pulled away, Bucky hugged Steve tight to him, a tremble in his voice as he said, "Thanks for coming back."

"No other place I'd rather be or want to be."

So, of course they had a bunch of stuff to work out; a lot of open wounds and unresolved issues between them. Steve had a lot of issues to work on and apart from Bucky, he really didn't know what his future was going to be like without being Captain America.

_ Ah, Captain America. God's righteous man. Pretending you could live without a war. _

So yeah. There was some work ahead. And Steve would still be on edge waiting for the next disaster to strike. 

But maybe this, this could be simple this time.

Maybe they could be okay.

Steve knew they'd be okay this time. 

**Author's Note:**

> There's probably some kind of plot holes here and there but whatevs. Haha. It was fun writing this.


End file.
